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Want a healthy mind? Do these 7 simple activities every day

May 14, 2018 By kmcleveland

Schedule your day to boost your brain backed by science

healthy mind — **Photo by Alexandr Podvalny on Unsplash**

From a young age, my parents and teachers taught me how to care for my body. Yet the same was not true for how to take care of my brain and my mental health. And I am not alone. So, why aren’t we taught this as well?

With this in mind, two scientists working together asked the same question. Dr. Daniel J. Siegel is a clinical professor of psychiatry at the UCLA School of Medicine. Dr. David Rock is the executive director of the NeuroLeadership Institute. (I also strongly recommend his books Your Brain at Work and Quiet Leadership.) In collaboration, they summarized and integrated neuroscience and psychology research to find a solution.

Here’s what Drs. Siegel and Rock created to answer the question: The Healthy Mind Platter.

You guessed it, the visual framework of the Healthy Mind Platter was inspired by the USDA’s revised dietary guidelines, My Plate. Rather than dietary recommendations, the Healthy Mind Platter offers guidelines on how we can spend our time. In addition, the tips support both our wellbeing and our inner growth.

It all boils down to seven essential “mental nutrients” for optimal mental health. The Healthy Mind Platter suggests we do these activities daily. If we do, both our brains and our relationships will function better. So, what are you waiting for?

The trick is to schedule these seven activities into your day.

Mental health time tip #1: Sleep

First of all, getting a full night’s restful sleep helps our mental health as well as our physical health. While we sleep, our brains consolidate what we learned and experienced during the day. Since sleep is so important, try creating an evening ritual that promotes restful sleep. Finally, click here if you want to read a newsletter I wrote focused on sleep.

Mental health time tip #2: Get physical

Next, exercising helps both our mental and physical health. I know that I always am in a better mood after a rush of endorphins post exercise. Therefore, take the time every day to be active and move your body.

According to Drs. Rock and Siegel, “When we move our bodies, aerobically if medically possible, we strengthen the brain in many ways.”

Yet if you don’t feel good while you exercise, you won’t do it. My choices are tennis, walking, and yoga. What physical activities will help you feel the way you want to feel while doing them (and afterward)?

Mental health time tip #3: Focus

Do you ever finish a day and realize that you didn’t get any work done? And then it hits you that you didn’t have any time alone to focus and concentrate on important tasks.

“When we closely focus on tasks in a goal-oriented way, we take on challenges that make deep connections in the brain,” according to Drs. Siegel and Rock.

Here’s how I solve this…

During my weekly review, I figure out what three things I need to do the following week. Then, I map these out in my Desire Map planner. In addition, every day I try to have at least one power hour where I focus on one of those three things.

Mental health time tip #4: Tune in

We need to take “time in” for activities like meditation, prayer, and self-reflection.

“When we quietly reflect internally, focusing on sensations, images, feelings and thoughts, helping to better integrate the brain.”

Source: Healthy Mind Platter

My weekly review is half planning and half self-reflection. Every week, I use my planner to journal about what went well, what didn’t, what I’m grateful for, and what I learned.

Mental health time tip #5: Downtime

In this case, getting sent to “time out” is a good thing. We all need time to be and to rest. Let your mind wander and daydream. Don’t anything at all. When we relax, our brains recharge. If we give our electronics devices time to recharge, we should do better for our minds.

Instead of a focus on doing, focus on how you want to feel during your downtime. For me, I want to feel hygge, free from stress, and a deep connection to the present moment.

Mental health time tip #6: Playtime

Every afternoon, neighborhood kids knock on my front door. They ask my son, “Can you come out and play?”

Adults need to play too. We need time to have fun and enjoy ourselves.

“When we allow ourselves to be spontaneous or creative, playfully enjoying novel experiences, which helps make new connections in the brain.”

Dr. David Rock and Dr. Daniel Siegel

For me, tennis is play time as well as physical activity. I also love to read, board games, and to play ping pong.

Vacations are an excellent time to play and try new things. Do you have your next holiday scheduled? Please tell me that you use all your vacation time every year and don’t let the precious time to play go to waste.

What enjoyable activities help you to feel the way you want to feel?

Mental health time tip #7: Connection

Finally, taking the time to connect with our loved ones and friends is essential to our mental health. In particular, connecting in person.

“When we connect with other people, ideally in person, or take time to appreciate our connection to the natural world around us, richly activating the brain’s relational circuitry.”

Dr. David Rock and Dr. Daniel Siegel

I love that connecting time also includes time to connect with nature. Why not get together with a friend in nature? To learn more about the hidden health benefits of the woods and a nature pyramid, check out this article I wrote.

Want improved mental health?

In conclusion, here’s a suggestion of how to use the Healthy Mind Platter.

First, map out an average day and see what percentage of your time you spend in each area. Next, of the seven ways to spend your time, is there an area you have not been paying much attention to? Perhaps there is an area where you spend a lot of time? Now, you know where to begin to create a well-balanced mental diet for yourself.

Finally, to learn more about the Healthy Mind Platter, read this article from the NeuroLeadership Institute.

Crave the best Mother’s Day ever? Put your feelings first

May 10, 2018 By kmcleveland

You deserve to get what your heart desires this Mother’s Day

Photo by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash

I don’t know about you, but I tend to have high expectations around holidays such as Mother’s Day. Do you too? Yet this can often lead to disappointment when things don’t play out as imagined. When you involve kids, the only thing I know for sure it that there will be surprises. The problem is some of the surprises are pleasant and others are not.

As Mother’s Day only happens once a year, I can feel pressure to create and experience the ideal day. Everywhere I look businesses thrust their version of an ideal Mother’s Day on me. Flowers. Cards. Brunch. Massages. Unless you work in retail, I think you’ll agree that the day is a commercial excuse to pamper mothers.

I find the following quote from Danielle LaPorte especially true:

“Excessive expectations block fulfillment.”

How would it feel if you let some of your expectations go about Mother’s Day?

Design a meaningful Mother’s Day with your feelings in mind

Here’s a radical idea. Don’t try to have the ideal Mother’s Day. Instead, try for a meaningful day instead.

What would happen if you designed a day where you focus on how you want to feel first and then make your plans? A day where you stop trying to be Supermom. A day where your desires are not ignored.

How do you feel about Mother’s Day?

I know that you’re thinking that your feelings about motherhood, mothers, and Mother’s Day can be complicated. I get it.

Everyone – as children of mother’s – has feelings about the day and mothers. If you are a mother yourself, you add an extra layer of feelings.

Answer the following three questions. Be as specific as possible.

How do you feel about Mother’s Day? Loved. Bliss. Overjoyed. Sad. Lonely. Grief. Mixed feelings. Don’t know how you feel.

What do you feel grateful for about mothers, motherhood, and Mother’s Day?

What feelings of dissatisfaction do you have about mothers, motherhood, and Mother’s Day?

To give you an idea, here are my answers to the above questions. I am fortunate to have a close relationship with my mother, who I also consider a friend. I am a bit sad that she is currently out of the country and I cannot talk to her on the day. Raising a baby and toddler was hard work. I am appreciating greater ease as a mother during my son’s elementary school years. On Mother’s Day, I look forward to spending a gorgeous spring day with my husband, son, and in-laws. I anticipate reconnecting with my mom over Memorial Day weekend.

How do you want to feel this Mother’s Day? What can you do to make that happen?

When my son was a toddler, I longed for a quiet, peaceful breakfast in bed on Mother’s Day. And to be honest, freedom from the responsibilities of being a mother for a moment. Instead, my son joined me with his own tray.

Here’s the interesting part:

This turned into an experience we both treasure and started a tradition. So starting Mother’s Day this way helps me feel two feelings I desire: connection and hygge. Plus, the breakfast in bed tradition allows me to show my unconditional love for my son. Also, we both experience our shared love languages: quality time and touch.

For the rest of the day, I want to feel free to get out an enjoy the gorgeous spring weather with my family. I’ll eat lunch with my in-laws and feast on a BBQ at home for dinner, which is a simple pleasure that is very hygge.

How about you?

How do you want to feel on Mother’s Day?

Most of all, what you can do to make that happen?

In addition, what can you stop doing to feel that way?

Design your day to feel how you want to feel from morning to night. Or, even better, for the entire weekend.

Desire more this Mother’s Day?

The Desire Map by Danielle LaPorte inspired this article. My experience with the Desire Map process made a huge difference in my life as a person and as a mother. As a Type A high achiever at a pivot point, the Desire Map helped me to remember that the whole point is to feel good. As a result, I became a Desire Map facilitator to share the process with others. If you’re interested, here’s my story.

Finally, if you’d like to learn more, sign up for a free digital Desire Map mini course. You’ll also get my weekly newsletter.

Want to know the secret for the best 2018 ever?

January 10, 2018 By kmcleveland Leave a Comment

Reverse how you make your New Year’s resolutions

But what does that mean to reverse the process of making New Year’s resolutions or goals? Let’s take losing weight, which is a perennial favorite resolution, to illustrate.

Do you know anyone who has set a goal to lose weight? Did you ever ask that person why? Or if the person was you, what was your motivation?

Here’s what may surprise you. People with the same resolution set the goal for a multitude of reasons.

Someone wants to feel beautiful when she steps into her 25th high school reunion. Another wants to feel vibrant and energized so that they can run after their kids or grandkids. A different person wants to feel healthy. Someone else wants to stop hiding behind excess weight.

Each of these people hopes that losing weight will help them to feel a certain way, even if they don’t realize it.

So why do we start the New Year’s resolution or goal setting process with the goal first? Shouldn’t we reverse it and start with the feeling?

Yes, we should!

I had this “aha” moment while reading the Desire Map. According to the author, Danielle LaPorte:

“You’re not chasing the goal, you’re chasing the feeling you hope reaching the goal will give you.”

I have set New Year’s resolutions every year with varying degrees of success. I often felt that the process was missing something, but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

Sometimes going after a goal left me feeling stressed and not happy. Or I realized that once I reached the goal, I did not feel how I thought it would make me feel.

I had left feelings, or the “why,” out of the goal setting equation. Feelings were not part of my resolutions, to-do lists, and goals. After my “aha,” I decided to reverse how I set my goals by focusing on feelings first.

Here’s the crazy thing. Now that I focus on feelings I can disregard or change a goal if it is not helping me to feel the desired way.

How do you want to feel in 2018?

This question is the secret that will transform the way you make New Year’s Resolutions. Ready to get started?

Have you already made your resolutions for 2018?

Great job!

Step One: For each resolution you set, how did you want that goal to make you feel? Dig deep to get to the real reason why you set the goal. You want to get to the root of why you set the goal.

If you understand WHY you made the goal you have a better chance at success. There is a reason Simon Sinek’s TED talk on starting with why has over 4 million views. Do you see how important this is?

Step Two: Now ask yourself, “How do you want to feel in 2018?” Do the goals you already set help you to feel this way? If not, do you need a different resolution or to tweak it? Be honest with yourself. Your goals are for you and you alone.

Step Three: Can you generate those feelings while trying to achieve your goals? What can you do today, this week, or this month to feel those feelings and move you closer to achieving your goal?

Who doesn’t want to feel good? Let your goals help you to

If you have not yet set your goals, it is not too late. You can set your goals at any time.

Step One: Ask yourself, “How do you want to feel in 2018?”

Step Two: What will help you to feel that way? What habits or goals will help you to achieve this feeling?

Remember to look at all areas of your life. Here are some examples to inspire you.

Desire Map uses:

Livelihood & Lifestyle
Relationships & Society
Body & Wellness
Essence & Spirituality
Creativity & Learning

In Living Forward, Daniel Harkavy and Michael Hyatt use:

Circle of Being: Spiritual, Intellectual, Emotional, Physical
Circle of Doing: Vocational. Avocational. Financial
Circle of Relating: Marital. Parental. Social

In Designing your life: How to live a well-lived joyful life, William Burnett and David Evans use:

Health
Work
Play
Love

Step Three: Choose three or four major goals or intentions for the year.

How to infuse your desired feelings into achieving your goals

Let me give you an example from my resolutions. I have a goal of exercising 30 or more minutes five days a week. Most days this means that I take a walk.

I want to feel deep connection, creative, curious, free, and hygge. (These are what those who use the Desire Map process refer to as core desired feelings.)

Before heading out for my walk, I ask myself how I want to feel? Depending on my answer, that changes how I walk.

How can I feel deep connection during a walk? My first choice is to invite a friend or loved one to join me for a walk in the woods. As we walk together and appreciate the nature around us, we can also talk. Some of my most important life decisions have been made during walks in the woods.

If I am by myself, I can still feel deep connection. I observe my environment — especially the season and weather — to feel a deeper connection outside of myself. Or I focus on my breath or footsteps to feel a deeper connection to myself and the present moment.

If I want to feel curious, I listen to podcasts that are on my stimulus list of subjects that interest me. Or I try a new route and see where that leads me. Or I walk my usual course in reverse.

To feel creative, I listen to inspiring music or an audiobook. Often I ask myself a question before the walk and mull it over getting closer to a solution with each step. Or I dictate ideas or writing on my phone’s note-taking app.

To feel free, I don’t insist on taking a walk at the same time every day. I usually go by myself so that another person’s schedule does not bind me. When I walk outside, I sometimes enjoy having no route in mind, so I am free to go where inspiration takes me. If I want to feel free to watch my favorite TV show during the day, I’ll walk on the treadmill.

To feel hygge, I will take a walk on a cold, sunny day wearing a cozy hat, warm jacket and gloves and have a cup of tea when I return. Or I will focus on the simple pleasures of observing the nature around me or the companionship of a good friend.

Conclusion

Lose weight. Exercise more. Spend less money, save more. Get a new job. Get organized. Do something more like reading or travel.

Yes, you can choose one of these popular resolutions. But make sure that they will help you feel the way you want to feel.

I hope that this way of thinking about New Year’s resolutions will make as much of a difference to you as it did to me. May you feel the way you want to feel in 2018!

Note: A version of this post (along with a condensed version) were originally published on Medium.

How to know when to revise your Core Desired Feelings

October 4, 2017 By kmcleveland

If it feels right, now is the time!

You: Really? I can revise my core desired feelings.
Me: Yes you can! Change your core desired feelings if you want to.

During workshops, I encourage the women who attend to create a visual reminder of their core desired feelings. But this does not mean that they are permanently etched in stone. Or tattooed on their body.

Photo by Marlon Maya on Unsplash

I first determined my core desired feelings, or CDFs, in March of 2015. Today, only two of my original five CDFs have remained the same. And that is perfectly okay.

My original CDFs were aligned, bliss, curious, hygge, and peaceful. In case you are wondering, hygge (pronounced HUE-ga) is a Danish word. Hygge is a concept that combines cozy, harmony, simple pleasures, and a lack of stress and annoyances.

After living with my original CDF’s, I revised them about six months later. I added creative and free and removed peaceful. I decided that the word hygge incorporated peaceful for me. In 2017, I also removed bliss for the same reason. I replaced aligned with connection. I also added the “wellthy”, which I will talk about more below.

Based on my experience, here are four tips on how and when to revise your Core Desired Feelings.

Review your Core Desired Feelings with the change of seasons and year

Photo by Pavan Trikutam on Unsplash

At a minimum, I review my core desired feelings every year in December. This is also when I set my intentions for the year. I also tend to assess them with the change of each season. Each season I create a focus list.

Sometimes during the seasonal review, I revise or change some of my core desired feelings. More often, I choose to place more of an emphasis on certain feelings during a season. For example, I almost always place less emphasis on hygge during the summer season. If I decide I may want to change a feeling again, I wait until the next season.

Revise if you catch a case of shiny object syndrome

There are so many wonderful feelings out there. It is very easy to hear a feeling word and get tempted to add it to your core desired feelings.

Guilty as charged! I did this after I read the book Wellth: How I Learned to Build a Life, not a Résumé. The concept of “wellth” versus wealth spoke to me. Jason Wachob, the author, defines wellth as “a life exemplified by abundance, happiness, purpose, health, and joy.”

I loved the word so much that I also set an intention for the year of having a year of abundant wellth. Yes, this is overkill. For next year, I will no longer keep wellth as a core desired feeling, but I predict that the term will remain with me as an intention.

Sometimes less is more

Photo by Silvestri Matteo on Unsplash

Danielle LaPorte recommends choosing three to five core desired feelings. Even though I am a minimalist in many areas of my life, I found it difficult to have any less than five feelings. It was so hard to narrow it down. Right now, I have six. For most of the three years, that’s been fine with me.

Recently, I have changed my mind. (Did I mention that free is one of my core desired feelings?)

After a conversation with fellow Desire Map facilitators, I decided that I want to purge down my core desired feelings for next year. This does not mean that I no longer want to feel the purged feeling. Instead, the decrease will allow me to focus more of my energy on feeling a smaller number of feelings.

Sometimes more words are better

Photo by Jeremy Thomas on Unsplash

No, I am not contradicting myself. A word may need to be modified in some way to describe your feeling more accurately. While I plan to reduce the number of core desired feelings, I plan to add adjectives to better describe some of my core desired feelings.

For example, connection is one of my core desired feelings. As I was working one on one with a client, she chose “soulful connection” as her core desired feeling. This got me to thinking. For 2018, I’m going to change connection to deep connection. I know this isn’t a huge difference, but it feels right to me.

Conclusion

Have you ever changed any of your core desired feelings? Are you now thinking that your core desired feelings may need revising?

Help your children have a great start to the school year

September 12, 2017 By kmcleveland

Focus on how they want to feel first

As parents, we all want our sons and daughters to feel happy. I especially feel this way each September as my son starts a new school year. My role as a mom is to help my son find happiness and deal with his emotions and feelings in a healthy way.

Photo by Robert Collins on Unsplash

“We’ve begun to raise daughters more like sons… but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.” Gloria Steinem

I am raising a son who will never be told to suppress or bottle up his emotions. I want him to feel comfortable expressing the full range of his emotions and feelings. His tears break my heart, but I will not prevent him from crying them.

Here are three techniques I’ve used to increase my son’s emotional literacy.

Didn’t they make a movie about that? Yes, they did.

One of my favorites is the animated movie Inside Out. In the movie, I enjoyed seeing inside the head and emotions of Riley, an 11-year-old girl. Riley’s family moves from Minnesota to San Francisco. My son and I watched her world and her emotions go on a roller coaster ride. We saw Riley experience joy, sadness, anger, fear, disgust or a combination of emotions at the same time.

I appreciate that Inside Out helps teach our kids they do not need to be positive and happy all the time for us to love them. In fact, some of our most powerful and happy memories come from a deeper happiness tinged by multiple emotions.

When I need other ideas on books or movies, I’ll head to the local library or search online.

Help your child choosing their own brand of happy

Clap along if you feel like happiness is the truth
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you know what happiness is to you
(Because I’m happy)
Clap along if you feel like that’s what you wanna do

Pharrell Williams has it right in his song, Happy. We all have the right to be happy. My happiness is going to look different than yours. As parents, we can help our children learn what happiness is to them. Once I know what makes my child feel happy, I can help him design a life feels good to him.

A few years ago, I discovered the Desire Map process in a book. Desire Mapping involves figuring out how you want to feel in life. First, I narrowed down my list of feelings to 3–5 feelings. These core desired feelings are those that I want to feel in all areas of my life. I can then go about designing my life with my core desired feelings in mind.

After severals of determining my own core desired feelings, I decided to try with my then 8-year-old son. I thought it might be a meaningful activity to do together.

1. Incorporate elements that will make your child feel loved.

My son likes quality time and a snuggle. What works for your kid? Would doing the activity as an entire family appeal to your extrovert? Do they crave praise? Would a small present like a pen or a journal make the experience more positive? If your child is a more visual learner? Incorporate images or drawing. Be creative.

For ideas on ways to help your child feel loved, I recommend Dr. David Chapman’s books on the five love languages.

2. Create a list together of feelings.

My son and I brainstormed a list together. We also did a Google search of feelings lists for kids. Our search revealed that there are hundreds of different words to describe feelings. I asked him what feelings make him feel good. Next, I shared what makes me feel good and my core desired feelings.

3. Really, there are no wrong answers!

Keep it simple. Sometimes less is more. From my son’s list of positive feelings, he choose: artistic, creative, kind, smart, and silly. I assured my son that there were no right or wrong answers.

4. Who says you can’t feel good every day of the school year?

Photo by Patricia Prudente on Unsplash

For each of my child’s core desired feelings, we determined a few activities or actions to help him feel good every day. I signed my son up for improv acting classes to help him feel creative and silly. Your child’s answers might not be what you expect for a feeling. For example, my son said that working on tying his shoes would make him feel kind. Ask clarifying questions. I learned that he felt this because he knew that when his shoelaces come undone his parents felt frustrated.

Create rituals or habits that feel good

Here are some examples from my family. We practice gratitude on a regular basis. Every night at dinner, every member of our family shares five things they are grateful for that day. We try to be as specific as possible. On a great day, it can be hard to keep our list to just five things. After a hard day, we may need to help each other find things for which we are grateful.

We have a hug ritual called the family combination hug. This helps my son to feel silly and get the physical touch he needs to feel loved. We hug each other in every possible combination: mommy + daddy, son + mommy, son + daddy, son in the middle, mommy in the middle, and daddy in the middle.

Conclusion

Photo by Devaiah Mallangada Kalaiah on Unsplash

“You cannot always choose what happens to you, but you can always choose how you feel about it.” Danielle LaPorte

On a regular basis, I try to help my child feel their core desired feelings. I am often pleasantly surprised that my son helps me feel mine too. I also try to him my son to stop doing what does not feel good when appropriate. This is not his excuse to stop doing his homework or chores.

(This post was originally published in BeYourself on Medium.)